“My Story” by Christa
Absent mother, abusive father, no self-esteem and praise from all the wrong people. How do you get on
track when “out-of-control” is all you have ever known?
track when “out-of-control” is all you have ever known?
My earliest childhood memories begin around five years old with my father being physically and mentally abusive toward my mother. They each sat me down and asked me to decide which parent I would rather live with; I was so young, I couldn’t decide between the two. They divorced and my father got custody of us, and later, my mom became pregnant again and my father offered to adopt our newest sister. He was raising all four of us by himself and life was nothing it should be for a child. He was a controlling, abusive man and at ten years old, while we waited for the church bus to arrive, he sat me down and told me he was gay.
Around that time he became involved in the occult and began holding séances and taking me to terrifying meetings where he channeled spirits; his blue eyes would turn completely black and at times voices spoke through him. I begged him to let me stay with my mom but he refused and told me if I didn’t stop crying he would put me in the adult ward at the mental hospital. I don’t know how he managed to make that happen, but my father always got what he wanted. I told the doctor everything that was going on in the hopes that he would release me to my mother, but he didn’t believe me and I was sent home with my father once again. That summer, an employee at a camp held at the elementary school I attended molested me. Nowhere was safe.
We moved out of that house and my father became more controlling. We weren’t able to call our mother outside of his presence and he made sure of this by placing a device on the phone that recorded all phone conversations. I really missed my mom and needed to talk to her. I erased the call, but he knew. He hit my face so hard, bruising me so badly that I couldn’t go to school, thereafter, I witnessed my brothers get awful beatings. Sometimes sixty licks easily, but that got old and he started using a stun gun on us. Child protective services were called, but he would scare us by saying we would be separated and put in different foster homes if we told the truth. I always wanted to be rescued but I couldn’t stand the idea of losing my siblings and kept quiet; soon, dad packed us up and took us out-of-state to South Carolina where things only worsened.
In South Carolina, my brothers were, at times, chained to their beds where they could only reach the bathroom. We were exposed to porn and my father made it easily accessible. He often threatened us with the evil we couldn’t see in the spiritual world. I can remember coming home one night a few minutes late. He told me he was going to yank my pants down and see if my, “pussy lips were swollen”. He would see if I was, “a whore out f***ing”. On another occasion, he found out that I lied about where I would be staying. I was terrified of what he might do so I begged him to please let me go live with my mom and he did. He put my belongings in garbage bags and me on a train headed to Florida, but no one was there to meet me when I arrived at the station. At sixteen years old I found myself scared and alone, dragging my garbage bags through a train station in a new city when an old couple offered help. I know they must have been angels from God because they took me to my mother’s house. She was shocked, she had no idea that I would be coming to live with her until she opened the door to find her young daughter on her doorstep.
My mom allowed me to do whatever I wanted. In my newfound freedom I became very promiscuous, I was looking for some sense of normalcy and I thought I would find my prince and his family could be my family. I thought sleeping with guys was just something you did to be accepted. At eighteen years old, I got a job as a bartender and one night they were short on strippers and asked me if I would fill in, so I did. There I was in my thong and pasties dancing around with men groping me and throwing money at me. As much as I hated the way they were looking at me, there was a part of me that found it empowering. I convinced myself that I was in control and I tolerated the work, but I ended up getting pregnant while there so I quit. After having my daughter, I learned that my father had been sexually abusing my siblings, he was put in jail and my siblings came to stay with my mother. He manipulated me while in jail by threatening to hang himself. He said it would be my fault if I didn’t get my sister, the one he adopted, to recant her statement. I convinced her and became tormented by the whole situation. My life was spinning out of control.
My mom’s house was now full and financially unstable; I needed to provide for my daughter so I started working at a strip club. Shortly after, a girl befriended me; she would supply drugs and offered to pay me to drive her places. She made no secret of the money she earned for what she described as, “dancing for private parties”. I was naïve and took the bait, I didn’t realize she was a recruiter for an escort service, I wanted to earn more money for dancing and her boss told me she would send me to a customer and see if I “made the cut”. I wanted to be accepted by people so badly, but once I was in front of the customer I learned quickly this was not dancing, this was an escort service and I was expected to do sexual favors. With money in hand I thought of ways to “make the cut” without having intercourse. I made it, of course, and I was under their control for several years--being sent on up to ten calls a night. I was making lots of money and they were making a lot off of me. Thankfully, I ended up pregnant with my son and was able to break free from them. However, once I had my son I entered back into the sex industry on my own. It was all I could do to survive and, honestly, I did not think I was worthy of doing anything else. The sex industry brought me nothing but pain. I was doing all kinds of drugs just to be able to cope with the life I was living. My drug of choice became prescription pills and I was in and out of jail. I lost my kids and my family was very dysfunctional, but I had also become a very vile person. This worked in my favor as I was being introduced to the darker side of the sex industry and learning to be a dominatrix. I took on this role willingly; it was my turn to belittle men, my turn to inflict both physical and mental pain. I hated men.
Soon, I had my kids back and wads of cash filled my hands, but I still felt so empty. I was playing the role of “dominatrix” with clients and “good mom” when out with my children and I could do this well. Filled with shame inside, no one could know the real me, but while watching my son’s baseball game one of the parents invited me to church. Church is something I did not do. I thought people like me didn’t belong there; I was a horrible person and I assumed that Jesus wanted no part of me, but I said I would go just to play the part of “the church goer”. I walked into the church and realized that Jesus had very different plans: the void I always felt was being filled in that very moment. I started digging into His word and volunteering, I was so hungry for more of Him. I felt a belonging I had never felt before. I was beginning to feel loved. Two years passed and I was going to church but still working in the sex industry. My relationship with the Lord was growing but I was terrified to tell anyone in the church my big secret. I thought they would throw me out and I would lose everything. During this time God started stirring in me the desire to reach other women who were in the industry. I wanted out of the industry but didn’t know how and didn’t even have anyone I could talk to about it who was a Christian. I knew when I got free I wanted to be that help to others and it was becoming too hard to grow in my relationship with the Lord and be in the sex industry at the same time. One night, I Googled a Christian support group for women in the sex industry and came across a ministry called, “Treasures”. I contacted them and they set me up with a mentor who encouraged me to go talk with someone at church. With a lot of courage, I did. I met with a pastor and the response was this: “We love you, Jesus loves you and we will walk with you during this season of your life”. What a relief it was to hear this, I was on my way to being free! I was being
restored! I was accepted by God and therefore belonged to a family of believers!
Within two months of contacting Treasures I was leaving the sex industry that had ensnared me for nineteen years. I loved Jesus with all of my heart, but it wasn’t until I realized how much He loves me that I was able to leave the industry. I knew that the industry was not my provider, but He was. I left with $70 to my name and God showed up and provided every need. I also came off all the prescription pills at the same time. My relationship with my family has been mended. There is still
work to be done, but we are not where we used to be. My father passed away from a battle with cancer in 2013 and I was able to forgive him and care for him before he passed. My kids are on a great path considering all they have been through and I have a beautiful granddaughter.
God was and still is so good to me. He really is giving me beauty for ashes and He never took that desire to help other women away, instead he ignited it. In 2012, I went to a training hosted by Strip Church where Harmony Dust, the founder of Treasures, was conducting the training. Right there, at this training, is where “Loving You Where You Are At,” was born.
God has no favorites, what He did for me He can and will do for you. He has a glorious plan for your life and He loves you beyond measure!
With love,
Christa
Around that time he became involved in the occult and began holding séances and taking me to terrifying meetings where he channeled spirits; his blue eyes would turn completely black and at times voices spoke through him. I begged him to let me stay with my mom but he refused and told me if I didn’t stop crying he would put me in the adult ward at the mental hospital. I don’t know how he managed to make that happen, but my father always got what he wanted. I told the doctor everything that was going on in the hopes that he would release me to my mother, but he didn’t believe me and I was sent home with my father once again. That summer, an employee at a camp held at the elementary school I attended molested me. Nowhere was safe.
We moved out of that house and my father became more controlling. We weren’t able to call our mother outside of his presence and he made sure of this by placing a device on the phone that recorded all phone conversations. I really missed my mom and needed to talk to her. I erased the call, but he knew. He hit my face so hard, bruising me so badly that I couldn’t go to school, thereafter, I witnessed my brothers get awful beatings. Sometimes sixty licks easily, but that got old and he started using a stun gun on us. Child protective services were called, but he would scare us by saying we would be separated and put in different foster homes if we told the truth. I always wanted to be rescued but I couldn’t stand the idea of losing my siblings and kept quiet; soon, dad packed us up and took us out-of-state to South Carolina where things only worsened.
In South Carolina, my brothers were, at times, chained to their beds where they could only reach the bathroom. We were exposed to porn and my father made it easily accessible. He often threatened us with the evil we couldn’t see in the spiritual world. I can remember coming home one night a few minutes late. He told me he was going to yank my pants down and see if my, “pussy lips were swollen”. He would see if I was, “a whore out f***ing”. On another occasion, he found out that I lied about where I would be staying. I was terrified of what he might do so I begged him to please let me go live with my mom and he did. He put my belongings in garbage bags and me on a train headed to Florida, but no one was there to meet me when I arrived at the station. At sixteen years old I found myself scared and alone, dragging my garbage bags through a train station in a new city when an old couple offered help. I know they must have been angels from God because they took me to my mother’s house. She was shocked, she had no idea that I would be coming to live with her until she opened the door to find her young daughter on her doorstep.
My mom allowed me to do whatever I wanted. In my newfound freedom I became very promiscuous, I was looking for some sense of normalcy and I thought I would find my prince and his family could be my family. I thought sleeping with guys was just something you did to be accepted. At eighteen years old, I got a job as a bartender and one night they were short on strippers and asked me if I would fill in, so I did. There I was in my thong and pasties dancing around with men groping me and throwing money at me. As much as I hated the way they were looking at me, there was a part of me that found it empowering. I convinced myself that I was in control and I tolerated the work, but I ended up getting pregnant while there so I quit. After having my daughter, I learned that my father had been sexually abusing my siblings, he was put in jail and my siblings came to stay with my mother. He manipulated me while in jail by threatening to hang himself. He said it would be my fault if I didn’t get my sister, the one he adopted, to recant her statement. I convinced her and became tormented by the whole situation. My life was spinning out of control.
My mom’s house was now full and financially unstable; I needed to provide for my daughter so I started working at a strip club. Shortly after, a girl befriended me; she would supply drugs and offered to pay me to drive her places. She made no secret of the money she earned for what she described as, “dancing for private parties”. I was naïve and took the bait, I didn’t realize she was a recruiter for an escort service, I wanted to earn more money for dancing and her boss told me she would send me to a customer and see if I “made the cut”. I wanted to be accepted by people so badly, but once I was in front of the customer I learned quickly this was not dancing, this was an escort service and I was expected to do sexual favors. With money in hand I thought of ways to “make the cut” without having intercourse. I made it, of course, and I was under their control for several years--being sent on up to ten calls a night. I was making lots of money and they were making a lot off of me. Thankfully, I ended up pregnant with my son and was able to break free from them. However, once I had my son I entered back into the sex industry on my own. It was all I could do to survive and, honestly, I did not think I was worthy of doing anything else. The sex industry brought me nothing but pain. I was doing all kinds of drugs just to be able to cope with the life I was living. My drug of choice became prescription pills and I was in and out of jail. I lost my kids and my family was very dysfunctional, but I had also become a very vile person. This worked in my favor as I was being introduced to the darker side of the sex industry and learning to be a dominatrix. I took on this role willingly; it was my turn to belittle men, my turn to inflict both physical and mental pain. I hated men.
Soon, I had my kids back and wads of cash filled my hands, but I still felt so empty. I was playing the role of “dominatrix” with clients and “good mom” when out with my children and I could do this well. Filled with shame inside, no one could know the real me, but while watching my son’s baseball game one of the parents invited me to church. Church is something I did not do. I thought people like me didn’t belong there; I was a horrible person and I assumed that Jesus wanted no part of me, but I said I would go just to play the part of “the church goer”. I walked into the church and realized that Jesus had very different plans: the void I always felt was being filled in that very moment. I started digging into His word and volunteering, I was so hungry for more of Him. I felt a belonging I had never felt before. I was beginning to feel loved. Two years passed and I was going to church but still working in the sex industry. My relationship with the Lord was growing but I was terrified to tell anyone in the church my big secret. I thought they would throw me out and I would lose everything. During this time God started stirring in me the desire to reach other women who were in the industry. I wanted out of the industry but didn’t know how and didn’t even have anyone I could talk to about it who was a Christian. I knew when I got free I wanted to be that help to others and it was becoming too hard to grow in my relationship with the Lord and be in the sex industry at the same time. One night, I Googled a Christian support group for women in the sex industry and came across a ministry called, “Treasures”. I contacted them and they set me up with a mentor who encouraged me to go talk with someone at church. With a lot of courage, I did. I met with a pastor and the response was this: “We love you, Jesus loves you and we will walk with you during this season of your life”. What a relief it was to hear this, I was on my way to being free! I was being
restored! I was accepted by God and therefore belonged to a family of believers!
Within two months of contacting Treasures I was leaving the sex industry that had ensnared me for nineteen years. I loved Jesus with all of my heart, but it wasn’t until I realized how much He loves me that I was able to leave the industry. I knew that the industry was not my provider, but He was. I left with $70 to my name and God showed up and provided every need. I also came off all the prescription pills at the same time. My relationship with my family has been mended. There is still
work to be done, but we are not where we used to be. My father passed away from a battle with cancer in 2013 and I was able to forgive him and care for him before he passed. My kids are on a great path considering all they have been through and I have a beautiful granddaughter.
God was and still is so good to me. He really is giving me beauty for ashes and He never took that desire to help other women away, instead he ignited it. In 2012, I went to a training hosted by Strip Church where Harmony Dust, the founder of Treasures, was conducting the training. Right there, at this training, is where “Loving You Where You Are At,” was born.
God has no favorites, what He did for me He can and will do for you. He has a glorious plan for your life and He loves you beyond measure!
With love,
Christa
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